Oh look, the bottle's empty....

So I'm drunk again.

This time I was out with friends but to be honest I would of drunk a bit anyway. I'm a little worried about this trend but since I'm running out of alcohol and I can't legally buy it anyway here in the States I can only do this for so long before I have to stop. And as it is, it's not a trend that is negatively affecting my life so I don't think it's a serious issue.

Although having spelled "life" as "laugh" the first time may be a Freudian slip which demonstrates how my self esteem is really doing. I still love me so it's fine. Right?

I'd like to say I only drank tonight because I went out with friends, but that's not true. It was kind of an excuse, I think I would have done it anyway. But to be honest being an alcoholic isn't necessarily a bad thing; General Grant was such an alcoholic he couldn't always manage stairs alone but he still won the civil war. I'm sure I'll be fine.

I just feel really alone. I don't even have anyone I can drunk text. That might sound stupid, but look at it closely; I have no one on this continent that I feel secure enough around and with that I am willing to embarrass myself by texting when I'm close to incoherent. And there's no one I can really talk to around. It's not that I don't have friends here, it's just that they don't know me like my friends back home do. I need a hug from someone who is willing and comfortable to wait until I'm done, and I don;t have anyone like that here.

Applicants, please come forward.

I'm moving on and finding other girls to talk to and flirt with etc but my crippling self hate concerning my appearance kind of plays against me. I try to work though it but it's hard to hate the habit of a life time. I don't know why I think I'm unattractive, I just do.

Maybe my arrogance is a defense mechanism and really I just think I'm not as good as other people.

Hang on...

Hang. On.

That's true. I'm not as good. I'm better than other people. I just need to find someone who helps me get back in touch with that fact. In Buffalo. Soon.

I guess I'll have to hope that the dice favour me again. Let's hope my luck holds.

God help me, because at the moment it seems no one else will.